I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
