I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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