I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
