It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
