hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
