I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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