I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
