i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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