just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
