Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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