youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
