I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
