Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
