I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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