Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
