I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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