The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
