alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
