she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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