OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
