I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I will be naked everywhere
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
