fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
