Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
