I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
