My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
