I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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