i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
