I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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