alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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