It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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