If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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