32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
