He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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