I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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