Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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