I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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