She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
