I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
