I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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