I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm bleeding and have questions
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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