i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
