As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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