I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
