i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
