omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
