aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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