not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
