some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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