I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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