walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
