allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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