this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
